The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

So it's 11 pm and I am supposed to be in bed asleep, but can't. Instead I am watching tv about an egyptian girl that was born with two heads. In the meantime, I have got a killer headache that I am sure will go away with sleep, and I find myself typing away here. Truth be told, I am restless. There is so much crap rolling around this head of mine that I wished it would stop. I have a paper to write for class, I have Elijah's birthday on Wednesday, I have to get my room spotless before he gets back on Tuesday, I've got work all week, baby shots Friday, child support hearing on the 4th (no I don't have to go, but it's still on my mind) and all I can do is sit up and watch Discovery Health. Now watching the story of the baby born without a face. I've also come to the realization that I HATE being lonely and am starting to long for a relationship. I want someone to talk to, to go out and do things with, to give a comforting hug. I really just want someone. Don't get me wrong, I love that little man I've got in my life, oh my goodness, he is just amazing, but not having him here for the past almost two weeks, just really made me see how much I miss being in a relationship. I would absolutely love one day to be married, and to hopefully have another baby, but at the rate things are going now, it's never going to happen, and that has really depressed me a lot this weekend. Also against better judgement, I have really been thinking about how things would have been if I had not gotten pregnant. Would things have worked out differently between his dad and myself? Would I have gone back to school or would I still just be passing time? I can honestly say that I can't imagine life without Elijah. He is so sweet and loving. I have missed the way he smiles at me when he first wakes up in the morning, and his little slitty eyes when he's feeling all lovey and then he slobbers you down with kisses. I also really miss my bed be taking over and having his little pudgy feet kicking me in the face in the middle of the night. I wouldn't trade things or change things, but sometimes I do wonder what if. Oh, well. I'll just keep praying that things workout the way that they are supposed to. That's really all that can be done. And who knows, maybe I will get married and have another baby before I get way too old.